31 | Reality

Sat Mar 24 4:21am

I think it’s time to give up on my dreams. Well, I don’t think I’ve ever had ‘dreams’ as far as life goals. I never grew up wanting to be one thing. At the end of highschool, I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I ended up going to college for an easy decision major, which was architecture. I was under the belief that you go to college for something and that’s what your life will be. I had no sense of direction, no role models and no drive. I wasn’t even supposed to be alive. My true death was in 2001 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Truth be told, I’ve been living a lie this whole time. I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to become. My whole life I’ve been alone. Never having any type of support system close to me. My mother was never proud of me, only telling me I wasn’t good enough and how other people’s children were so successful. My father pretty much abandoned me and chose his new family over me. At 38 years old, I’ve never had a relationship longer than a year. No kids, no significant other for over 3 years and the only thing that kept me going was wanting to give my dog a better life. She passed away over 2 years ago. The year after she died, I was so lost and depressed that I can’t even remember that year. I have no motivation to go to sleep, no motivation to wake up. No motivation for anything. I have nothing. Material things aren’t worth anything. I have nothing to offer anyone, not even myself. I can’t afford to go anywhere, do anything or even to be able to talk to someone for help. My whole life, I’ve never asked anyone for anything. Why? Because I grew up always feeling like a burden because i always felt like I wasn’t good enough for any attention. I think that might be why I’m such a recluse that I don’t even feel worth the time. Anyone I call, I usually get sent to voicemail. Maybe I can get a text message back a day or two after. I mean, the proof is in people’s actions.

I’m literally laying in bed, trying to find a reason to be here. The only thing in life I want, I can’t ever have unless it ends. I want to be with my dog again. I want to hold her and see her face when she sees me. I haven’t been able to be happy for over two years and I think I’ve had enough. I don’t want anything in this world or life. I don’t want a family anymore because if it was supposed to happen, it should have happened by now. I don’t want a career because it should have happened already. I wake up everyday, just to be able to go to sleep again. I’ve been living on borrowed time since I was 13 and I’m finally realizing that. I just want to be with my dog again. She was the only one to make me happy and feel worth it. But ultimately, time took her away from me. I think I’m ready to go too, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to mess it up to where I won’t be able to see my dogs face again. I just want it to happen to me, something out of my own hands.

I’m putting this energy out into the universe so hopefully it’ll happen soon. Then I can finally be happy again. If this is the last post, farewell.